Musings of the Past Half Year (Part 1 of 2)

If you're expecting a post like the last one, you're going to be disappointed.

Birthdays
I guess it struck me how differently some people get treated on their birthday. For a birthday, my friend and I traveled to a friend all the way in Las Vegas and stayed over for a bit. For my 18th birthday I ate food and played Fallout: New Vegas. For my 21st birthday, I braved San Francisco traffic to get my friend to a hotel to meet his girlfriend. I mean, my friend's mother usually takes me out to Dennys, but that's about it. Part of it is due to how my parents are, especially with them being so far away from me physically. Part of it is just the number of friends I have, and how I normally treat other people's birthdays. I can't expect others to give more than I give. Although, last time I bought Overwatch for a friend and wiped off $100 from another person's debt to me. So... as far as I'm concerned, I'm doing okay for now.

Photography
My philosophy with photography is its main goal is to document reality. This means trying to get a picture that is in focus for as much of the frame as possible, with as much detail as possible. I want to be able to zoom in on a picture of my entire body and outfit and look at the texture of the fabric of my dress in good detail. I currently own a Sony a5100 with kit lens, and the camera I'd like is the Sony a7r III. These are all mirrorless, so it gets rid of some bulk and weight. I am physically very weak. I can't and don't want to carry a lot of heavy camera gear in my purse. Perhaps I will get the a7r IV when it comes out. At maybe $1500 cost in depreciation when a new a7r comes out in 3-4 years, the cost per year of ownership isn't that high since glass doesn't not depreciate at that rate. There were good improvements in a7r III vs II, so I am hopeful the IV will be what I need.

The drawback with a wait-and-see strategy is I cannot go back in time and take pictures of things that already happened, like a birthday. I can't document my skin tone before I started taking medication. It is what it is. When I do take pictures outside, it might be in dark restaurants where I can only do a few takes. I'm still not satisfied with what cameras can do today.

Bokeh or image editing to make pictures pop are obviously not what I look for because... that's not documenting reality.

Alcohol
Isn't it interesting that a decade ago, people thought marijuana was more dangerous than alcohol? Some people can handle alcohol, and many people can't. It's just an inconvenient drug. People like to take alcohol during a meal out, but somebody has to drive the car back home. I suspect more often than not, people risk their own and other people's lives to drive home. Some people don't care at all, and some people think they are still sober enough to drive.

Alcohol is a very strange thing to me. It's a drug that most people seem to enjoy taking. It could be for its effects. My brother calls it 'liquid courage'. If the effects are what one is after, getting drunk on less alcohol is probably the best way to go, because it makes it cheaper to obtain the mental state they're looking for.

There's a certain drinking culture that is foreign to me, where people stereotype others based on how they hold their alcohol. At the very least, many people like to talk about how much alcohol it takes to get them drunk or passed out. To me, this is a stupid and pointless thing to do - except for the purpose of avoiding intoxication. No, I'm not stupid. I can trace the steps and see why people might like the things they do, but there's a difference between knowing why somebody likes to get drunk and understanding on a gut and emotional level.

As with photography, I want to see the world as it is. If I don't like the way the world looks, I change it. I don't take drugs to alter my brain to perceive the world differently. I might as an experiment, but I wouldn't as a habit.

Or maybe somebody takes alcohol because they like the taste. This makes even less sense because pretty much every alcoholic beverage I've had the displeasure of sipping tasted like garbage. I hear people talk about their favorite beer  has this and this flavor, and while it sounds nice on paper I know on an actual tasting it would be a disappointment.

I've watched normal people take alcohol and then act like morons. They might be inappropriately intimate, say stupid things, walk into a tree, or start yelling for no reason. It's fucking stupid.

Uncommon Interests
I suppose one way to look at my interests throughout my life is to pick the interests that took up most of my time. That would be Runescape and Maplestory, and those are not fringe interests. But I'm not about that life anymore. Let's look at the hobbies I've been into over the past several years: Debating about religion (arguably not *that* niche), CPU overclocking threads (fringe enough for my thread to be the largest on the internet for the chips I covered), arguing about audio (and how the mainstream is wrong about amps and dacs), sorting Mugen (a vastly moddable 2D fighting game) characters by strength in AI vs AI matches (nobody, NOBODY cares), and Skyrim modding. For Skyrim I deal with picture comparisons of every half-decent texture mod, texture by texture, mod by mod. The reason why nobody has done it so far despite Skyrim modding being so mainstream is because it's a crazy task to attempt, and the large majority of people don't go texture by texture when deciding on mods. I've decided to assemble my own texture pack from the data.

It's normal for people to think the things I care about are abnormal because my interests occupy a niche inside of a niche. It's like nicheception and I'm lost in limbo.

Social Frustrations

Sometimes I really don't understand what people are saying, or I can't follow their logic. Sometimes it baffles me how so much talking occurred but so little was said. Sometimes it annoys me when everyone else don't care about anything I care about, but they all care about something I see as tripe. For example, I might be on an imaginary soapbox talking into the abyss about gender dysphoria or bullying and get no response. Yet somebody talks about how tall their brother is and people come running out to chat about height. Who cares?! In what situation would the normal height of a person's sibling matter to people who will never encounter said sibling?

It's not just about the topic. It's also about how a topic is covered. I could talk about my height and somehow keep talking about it, but I could also talk about what height I'd like to be at, and what height I'd prefer in a mate. Would my preference change if I was taller or shorter?

Why do people use words that aren't in the English language and expect other people to know them? Why do people post stupid Jesus memes? Why do people think it's funny to troll people and tell them to kill themselves? Why do people keep changing their usernames? What is the point of posting the same sex joke over and over again? It wasn't funny the first time, and it just goes downhill from there. People can act silly, but they don't act silly in a way that I'm compatible with. This goes for online and at work. I never say anything to my coworkers because lame attempts at small talk don't get us anywhere conversationally. When somebody asks me what I'm up to or how I'm feeling while I'm doing work, what am I supposed to say? Hey, let me tell you about how gender dysphoria works so you can better understand my situation, friend! Just let me drop my podcast and my job so I can stand here and chat with you.

I almost want to put my hands up in the air and say that nobody cares about me and I don't care about what anybody else has to say, but I know neither of those things are true. It's really weird.

That, and other arguments and bullshit I've managed to get myself into lately just makes socializing all the harder. It pushes me more to be antisocial and dislike other people.

Social Frustrations Pt II

In my experience people often turn a blind eye when their friend treats somebody else poorly. Part of it is selfishness and apathy - out of sight, out of mind. The other part is the context which may be missing, but if if a wrong is perceived then it's probably a good idea to seek clarification. Deliberately not knowing things about the conduct of your friend out of fear of what you'll find is well... not okay.

Some people are degenerates, with a damaged sense empathy and morality. It's one thing to do wrong to others, but it's another not to care. We all want to tell ourselves that we're a good person. Many bad people don't look in the mirror after waking up and tell themselves how bad they are. The people do and don't care are psycopaths, and the ones that do and do care live in pain. More commonly, people do bad things and justify it to themselves.

Checking messages in chatrooms for me is like how a lot of people talk about their phones or Twitter: You know you probably shouldn't do it so often, and it's being a net negative on your psyche but you keep doing it anyways. Yet, do you necessarily want to toss your phone away or nuke your Twitter account from orbit? Not really. Getting bored and checking messages is distracting, and too often now I see the outlines of a person I've blocked in a particular chatroom - and it upsets me. It upsets me that the person exists and is present, makes conversations seem one-sided and even harder to follow, and still manages to befriend people. Yes, it upsets me that other people don't see in him what I see.

Hormones

I am at a point now where if I stopped taking hormones I probably could not fully revert back to my original state. It doesn't bother me much though. I am lucky that I am a relatively feminine frame. While I can spot many flaws with my body all over, for the most part it is okayish as a mold to shape. My hips will not widen, my feet and hands are too large, my shoulders are too broad, and my Adam's Apple is just ridiculous. It is what it is. But the softer skin, the more feminine face, the slower growing body hair, the breasts, they are all something I like. It's nice to not doubt my gender constantly.

But the one thing that's a mixed bag are the emotional changes. In addition to the changes in intimacy noted last time, my sex drive decreased. I've cried more easily, whether from being upset or a sad story. I've grown lonelier, but that's not always a bad thing because it helps me appreciate aspects of life more. But I've also become more moody. Maybe this is due to the current transitioning process being somewhat like Puberty 2.0. I wonder if the swings in estradiol is causing low-key 24/7 PMS or something. I often feel upset and I'm not exactly sure why. It's not a major and common side effect of transitioning hormonally as far as I can tell, but I seem to have it. Objectively a teenager's life might be good, but subjectively it's hell because their brains are doing things to them. You're not just being put in a tougher position, your capacity for handling it is in question as your brain changes. When emotions stray too far from logic and reason it becomes hard to get them back into alignment.

My father is more or less okay with me being transgender, but my mom has troubles accepting it. If I like the body of a woman and women's clothing, why can't I just admire it from afar? Right, and if I like chocolate cake, why can't I just watch instead of eating it? Being a worrier at heart, she is also very worried about breast cancer and possible regret. The chance of a trans woman to get breast cancer is relatively low compared to cis women. When we think of cancer from hormones, we often think about post-menopausal women, possibly taking non-bioidentical estradiol. If you're old and you've been exposed to estrogen all of your life, yes, your chance of breast cancer is higher. But would my mother have been upset if I was born a cis female because I might get breast cancer?

On the matter of regret, I thankfully report none at this time. I am 24, not some 13 year old who is confused and ever-changing. I've had some transgender thoughts for a very long time. The decision to do nothing with regards to hormones is itself a decision, and it has risks and benefits just like taking hormones. I might regret taking hormones, but I also might regret not taking hormones. Imagine being locked in a marriage in middle age but feeling more and more that medical transition must happen. Would I be ready to lose my wife? By then transition outcomes are far inferior. I've already debated with myself about what to do. I have never given my parents reason to think I would recklessly go for medical transition.

Misc Trans Stuff

I still remember when I came out and how self conscious I was. I remember crossdressing in college and being even more self concious, and quite nervous at the time. I feel like my friends have an easier time accepting me than I do accepting myself. It's not that I hated trans people... It's just that it's different when I'm the one that's trans. There was a lot of internalized shame and guilt which I won't go into at this time. Trans people were people you hear about on TV or read about on the newspaper. ME being one?! That's crazy. Yet I could retrace my steps to reach to my logical conclusion... And you know where that leads.

Here's a story I've retold too many times: I used to think a good percentage of guys were either jealous of girls or wanted to be them, and the reason why I never hear about it is because people were too scared about discussing it because it was taboo and embarrassing. I felt it said something about public discourse. Then... I realized eventually that most guys really don't think that way, and the entire thing said more about me than society. Those thoughts just felt intuitive - so I guess I assumed other people must've felt similar things.

It must seem weird to normal people that trans people care so much about being seen as a particular gender. While I feel what the people on r/AskTransgender feel, I don't want my beliefs about sex/gender to be totally self-serving. After the last stocks meltdown the other day, I went to the store to get groceries. Being dressed and going outside lifted my a mood a little bit. Being called a lady during a mix-up in the checkout isle was nice. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, I could try harder to explain it, but today I'll just say: It is what it is. It just is.

Speaking of that subreddit, somebody made a good post: Contrary to popular belief, most trans people are not deep philosophers about the nature of sex and gender or nature vs nurture. They're born  a particular way and just want to feel normal. It's interesting being part of a group which people often bring up in political debates and discussions.

Boundaries of Comedy

Should we really allow anybody to say anything they want if it's supposed to be comedy? If so, then who gets to classify something as comedy or not? Based whether the person telling the joke claims it's a joke? It's laborious and an easy fallback for any racist or sexist. Or maybe we should base it on whether the joke is funny or not. But still, who decides if something is funny? Are comedians for niche audiences not comedians? It makes me uncomfortable to think what types of behaviors are okay is based in large part on how it is perceived (whether a joke is funny and therefore deserves protection, or whether a romantic advance is harassment or not based on the desirability of the person, etc). The answer? I don't fucking know. I don't have all the answers.

Yes, I think people should be able to joke about transgender people. However, I think people should understand how they can be perceived. Otherwise it's like making Holocaust jokes without really understanding what some Jews went through. One should understand something before mocking it.

The New Generation

A chip that has been on my shoulder for many years is how I was supposed to be smart and achieve all these great things, none of which materialized. Then I see how some younger people know so much at their age, and it makes me feel like I'm the old and obsolete generation/person, who has to make way for the better new generation to come in.

While I have more money than a lot of people my age, my net worth is tied to the volatile stock market and it puts a lot of stress on me. My earnings from work are low, and many people struggling to make ends meet and stocking up on Cup Noodles in college will one day be far more successful than I am. I'm watching this happen and I already see it happening, so there's really nobody else to blame when it happens.

Does any of this seem cringe to you? That's because sometimes I am cringe and I fail and struggle. At least I'm honest about it.

Stocks
For now I have many times more money than my friends, but I don't expect that to last forever. I had a good head start, but cutting expenses and relying on dishwashing and compound interest to make gains is not going to beat somebody working full time in a good job.

I know long term investing is the way to go, but it's hard to refrain from looking at the day to day. I've gotten really unlucky the first year, and I made a mistake or two as well, costing me a good $10,000. January came with hype gains, followed by a February crash, a March recovery back to January, and a fall in April. Trump's big mouth, personal distaste for Jeff Bezos, and tariffs caused a lot of problems for me. It's one thing to be a bullshitter, cheater, and all-around vain individual, but it's another to directly impact my net worth negatively. My assets are disproportionate to my income... And while my calculations show I have a good chance of living a decent life by compounding interest for 10 years, there's a lot that can go wrong in 10 years.

I wonder which has a larger impact on my mood... stocks or hormones. It might actually be the stocks, because I remember a period of calm in January. Stocks going into the toilet is a pernicious threat because it bleeds into other parts of my life without me being aware of it.

It's one thing to know that things will *probably* be okay long term, and it's another to internalize it. Maybe that's the difference between knowledge and wisdom.

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Maybe a while back I said I was losing interest in tech because I had other things to deal with. It's still true, but you know what? It takes my mind off. So... yeah.