Ruminations of an INTJ (Pt. 1?)

This is the last time I'm ever going to bring this up on the blog, ever again. If you don't like the current topic, please come back next time. If the post is too long but you still enjoy the content, please read it in chunks. Thank you.

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In the blog posts titled in the way this post is, I will talk about my life and the thoughts I've obtained from reflection.

My memory is bad. I've forgotten many of the highs I've had in the past. I've only written down my thoughts for a brief period of time. When I go back to read what I wrote, I was surprised at who derpy I was when I was young, when I first got my email account. In middle school, where all I was thinking about was getting through school without falling on my face and playing Runescape when I got home. Or towards the end of high school, where I became obsessed with a girl. I got back and I read what limited things I wrote, and I get surprised at the emotion in which I expressed my thoughts in the past. Sometimes I wish I could visit my past, pensieve-style. Ok, maybe you've never seen Harry Potter. Pensieve lets the user see experiences they've had in their past. I could see a younger version of myself do the things I've done in the past.

Hmm.

I dislike having to write my thoughts when it comes to simply recording how I am feeling and what I've been up to. If I don't record in detail, I miss the entire point of the enterprise. On the other hand, it's very important for me, so that I remember where I've come from. Still don't know where I'm going though. I guess I can take heart in the fact that the Eric of today is better than the Eric of the past. I think.

Without a clear, realistic, and useful life goal in sight, I guess I am just wandering now. I call it drifting... It's not terrible, I'm not suffering terribly, but I'm not great either. I'm just letting time pass by. Reminds me of a quote I once found on Reddit:

Years ago, my group of friends was pretty darn large. One day, one of my friends did something I thought was unforgivable... to another friend of mine, Being the young (heh), brash, fiery person I became in the short time I left Runescape, I left him and all the friends that didn't agree with me that what he did was out of line and unacceptable. And so, I left almost all of them. Then we hit the end of high school. Is college really any better than high school? Things were good back then. Now... it's all different. Funny... they call it "community college", where I go to. Community college quickly turns into loner college because everybody has different classes and nobody lives together. What was left of my group of friends scattered as we went to different schools. A friend isolated herself to focus her life to her career.

I just go to class, finish, go home. I could go entire months without having a conversation verbally with anybody.

Another person took offense at my fiery rantings and felt I was too stubborn. She doesn't understand what it's like to come out of an entire life of Runescape and then look at the world for basically the first time. The ideas of the New Atheists were hot, freshly struck into my mind. I spoke with passion, but where I was wrong, I was wrong because nobody had yet challenged my ideas with any level of competence. She was one of the people I held in high enough regard to do just that.

Passion doesn't mean you're stubborn forever and ever, especially when you just formed an opinion about many issues. My ideas are subjected to change when new information comes in.

Looking back, there were some loose ends I never bothered to take care of... at least not to my satisfaction, anyways. On the other hand, popping out of the blue to somebody else's life to message them with a long explanation would seem very out of place. I bet 99% of people just move on, anyways. They don't care for an explanation.

Of my two friends, one of them seems to be even more reclusive than I am, and now lives too far away for me to reach conveniently. A lot of friendships were forged due to a common interest, and for me, that common interest was whatever video game I was playing at the time. When we all leave a game, there's really not as much to talk about anymore, despite how much we may have enjoyed each other's company in the past.

It's really sad. I've met some amazing people. Some of those people I would not have ever approached in real life had I not known them beforehand, simply because I figured they weren't my type. And again: This is why documentation is so important. I forget so many things. When I am by myself, I am OK. But with some people, in an effort to be fun to be around, I come up with funny jokes or ideas which I wouldn't if I were on my own. I can't let my INTJ personality as described online dictate what I must feel about social contact. I don't need oodles of it, but I'd like some with some amazing people.

And those amazing people who I've met online scatter when we quit a game. And it's never the same. I see it over and over again. I really don't want you to think that therefore, all the relationships with people I've built in the past while playing a video-game are not as strong as real-life relationships.

Sometimes I listen to a track and I am reminded of whatever life was like when I first discovered the song (since I would replay the song far more when I first discovered it, thus associating the song to whatever I was experiencing at that time period).

I still remember, in middle school, when somebody in a video game managed to get my self-esteem up. Things were different back then. I appreciate what she's done for me. And then, just as quickly as they may come into my life, they are gone in the next moment, and I never got to say goodbye. I hope she's doing well, wherever she is today. Maybe she's since long forgotten who I am. Maybe a "small" act of kindness as perceived by the giver is like giving the entire moon away to the recipient. Maybe I'm the only person that ever cared.

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I want to be careful. I don't want to be that guy, which, all he does is think about the past and how great things once were, bitter, sitting in a corner, muttering to himself. Perhaps one can be too busy looking at the past to forge new, even more awesome memories in the future.



Video games were a huge part of my life. It was my life. Maybe the older generations don't understand. But it's evident that I'm not the only person that shares this viewpoint. When I go on Youtube and look up soundtracks from Runescape or Maplestory or Final Fantasy, I see people nostalgic, sharing stories back when they were newbies, etc.  The way adults look back into the past with rose-tinted glasses, jabbering on about the 'good old days'? Well, these were my good old days. And they were indeed good. John Lennon I believe said this: Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.



What will I think of my current state in the future when I look back at this post? Anyways. As usual, comment if you want to voice your thoughts, questions, or opinions about the current blog post. With the advent of the repository, I can afford to write less to-the-point debate/idea pieces. But if that is what the readers prefer, that's not a problem either. Absent of responses, I'll continue to write whatever I feel like, with or without any readers. I don't know why anybody would care to read about my past, but then again, I don't pretend to be able to understand the motivations of whoever decide to read my blog. Life's too short. I try to prevent oversharing, but it might not be such a good idea to keep it all in, all the time. And if I have regrets later, oh well. I've made worse mistakes in the past and I've recovered from those.

Ramblings of a privileged man who's not joyful and out accomplishing great things! Who could ask for more?!