Warning:
Scattershot thoughts incoming.
Butthurt thoughts incoming as well. I know everybody hates it when I stuff write like this.
Background:
When I started this blog, it was when I first started thinking about stuff other than video games. There were some beliefs I quickly adopted and I spoke about them with passion. I did so because I had passion in the topics I covered. I cared about circumcision, I cared about religion, etc. Religion is a long, complicated topic. It takes a lot of thinking and writing to cover all the bases on that topic. I am proud that I wrote a book on religion. It began as a long blog post that got longer and longer until I wanted to make a series of blog posts. Then I decided to write a long document which ended up becoming a book.
Am I a pseudo-intellectual?
First I want to say that I think intelligence is sexy. Some people care a lot about how they look, how many friends they have, etc. I think being smart is cool. I think knowing about stuff is cool, even if a lot of it is random stuff I'll never use in practice. Hell, fuck it. It would be cool if I could be on the same level as some of the great intellectuals today. I would like that. That would be cool.
It's hard to tell when you're simply not smart enough to get what's going on. I've observed this with friends I used to have: They would talk about religion like they knew more than I do even though we both know he hasn't thought about religion. Like ever. In his life. And I know it must be happening to me as well, on some level. There must be stuff I'm not getting because it exceeds my mental capacity. That's just life. So what do you want me to do? Stop writing about stuff because those topics appear to be out of my reach? Give up? Or is the fact that I let the public read/criticize my writing now arrogant?
My defense:
I am very up front about the fact that most of my ideas are from other people. I didn't invent all the ideas I had in the book one day and started typing away. In the opening section of my book I suggested thinking about the book as a compilation of ideas about religion from many people. Very rarely do I make up new ideas. I just take what I agree with and try to explain why I agree.
I am very hesitant about writing stuff nowadays because I know things are complicated as hell. Most of the stuff around religion is easy: Do you have evidence to back up your claims? Politics is about a lot of history and deciding which policy is the best. I only wrote about Islam/Middle East because Sam Harris brought it up and it's somewhat related to religion. I pointed out in the first paragraph that I don't know enough about this topic.
Even if my attempts at making sense of the Middle East or some other topic are feeble at best, it's still worth it to try. Over time I will learn more about a topic and look back at my old posts and think they are inadequate. That's good. That's called learning. When I look back at my earlier posts on the blog, there are parts I don't even agree with anymore. Would I have done it all again if I could? Yes. It's a process. And if you think there's a fatal flaw in my posts, please tell me about it. I really don't want to be that idiot that thinks what comes out of his mouth makes sense.
If you are reading this and you think I'm some moron who thinks he's smart, or you think what I write is just pure garbage, you don't have to read it, and you don't have to be in contact with me anymore. If you want to criticize what I write in a non-aggressive way, then so be it. Don't silently build up animosity towards me. I'm not trying to piss you off.
I am open to criticism. I used to think atheism is crap because they are too certain of themselves. I used to think promiscuity is immoral. I used to think that justice must be better than mercy. I used to think morality must be objective all the time. Over time I learn stuff and substance slowly builds up in what I am saying.
I was encouraged to write more because some people with intelligence and knowledge that I value said they thought my work was worth reading. People's attention spans are short, and if they're willing to read the long stuff I write, I take that as a big compliment. I write stuff because people tell me they like it. If they don't like it, I'll stop showing my stuff in public. It's that simple.
It would hurt me to know that what I write is crap because I feel like my content represents the extent of my intelligence. If I'm a dumbass, then I'm a dumbass. I want to take steps to not be a dumbass but I also don't want to come off as a dumbass that thinks he's a genius. And I can't be a genius, because even I'm doubting the level of my own content and I wrote the damned blog post.
I don't randomly bring up the fact that I wrote a book in a conversation. I don't want to go through the same conversation of 'Oh, you wrote a book?', which is a conversation about the fact that I wrote a book, not whatever is written in the book. However, I talk about my book on Facebook because Facebook is where I assemble almost all of my friends. I understand that Facebook is generally a site you use to talk about random crap like what you ate for dinner. That's great. But for me Facebook is my primary method of communication with people. It's how I share my thoughts. I write about whatever is on my mind.
Looking like a poser...
But how exactly do people want me to phrase it so I don't come off as a pseudo-intellectual? By acting like what I wrote is no big deal to me? By inserting language that make my tone of voice seem more casual? Some people are interested in sports. Some in gossip. Some in whatever. I'm interested in some other stuff. Why can't I write about it without coming off as a pseudo-intellectual? Can't I just write that I wrote a blog post about this, this, and this and that I'm proud of my work? No?Nobody writes an entire fucking book for the sake of looking smart. Nobody writes a book to show other people they have 'intellectual interests'. I wrote the book because I am actually interested. At one point or the other, religion was all I thought about. At one point, I didn't know how to answer moral relativism and I honestly couldn't answer why I shouldn't kill people. That was fucking worrying.
Not every 'smart topic' interests me. Philosophy for the sake of it fucking bores me to death. Sam Harris might like reading about deontology or whatever the heck, but I'm not touching that stuff. I don't want to take philosophy class. Politics in general also bores me but parts of it are important when it comes to figuring out what's going on in the world.
If I write too little about hard topics, it looks like I know nothing yet I want to tell the world I am an expert at a topic. If I write too much, I'm trying too hard to impress people.
Why is it ok to want to look pretty, but not ok to want to look smart?
Curiosity about the world...
Joe Rogan hosts a podcast where he has conversations with lots of people. And often times I feel like Rogan doesn't really know what he's talking about or doesn't have the background necessary. But the podcast is still great because Rogan is always trying to being in smart people to have a chat. He can be the dumbest person in the world and I would still like what he is doing.I've always been interested in random stuff. Why is the sky blue? How does a fire extinguisher work? What is morality? What is good and what is bad? WTF is going on in the Middle East? And I look up answers and I forget them and I try to learn them again because on some level, it matters to me. And I talk about random science crap with my co-worker because I find it interesting. I was delighted to be able to tell him why people on the ISS are weightless. The answer was mindblowing. It was a Vsauce moment. And I had to share it. They are fucking FALLING. INDEFINITELY. That is tripping balls level of craziness. And when my co-worker asked me a question I can't answer, like how airplanes fly, it means I need to look that up on the internet and talk about it the next day. Nobody is 'too stupid' for any of my ideas. We just need to sit down and have an honest conversation.
Arrogance
On some level, everybody is arrogant. We put too much emphasis on our own opinions and we act like we are right by default. I see this all the time with politics. I don't use big words. I don't pretend to have read books I never read. My goal is to explain what I believe as simply as possible, even if it looks like I am failing epic-ly.Am I arrogant sometimes? Yes. And I openly acknowledge that is a flaw that I have. I even wrote about it in the past. When I get too arrogant I need to get back down to earth and I do that by watching what Neil deGrasse Tyson says or what Sam Harris says.
And I will continue to work on my own character like I work on my book. When I die really hope I could tell myself that I was a decent human being. Or that I tried to be.
And I know I have a long ass way to go. Ask me any random question about history and I probably can't answer you because I forgot or never knew the answer. I can't do math. I listen to debates and podcasts during work because I want to up my level.
So. Some people think I am a pseudo-intellectual that chases topics which are far beyond what I am capable of, that I'm an arrogant poser. Fine. I just won't write my thoughts out to anybody else anymore. Other people don't have to read my thoughts anymore. I'll just post about my other random hobbies.
Conclusion
I'm trying to know more and be a better person.And I can't even say I'm doing my best.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to know more so my amateur talk about Islam and the Middle East or whatever will become better. What mistakes I make, I make in public and I don't hide it.
Perhaps I wrestle with topics beyond my reach. At least I'm trying.
Can you say the same?
Everything is so complicated now and it takes so long to get anywhere and say anything worth anything.
I'm just tired of stuff. I'm taking a break from this blog. I hope if and when I return, I come back with renewed interest in the world and twice as much knowledge as I do now.
No comments:
Post a Comment